Shopping for Milk at the Hardware Store

On June 24th the Marriage Equality Act was passed in the State of NY and since then I have already been invited to the weddings of three gay couples. This seems like a lot for someone who is neither a gay man nor a professional wedding planner. But I have a lot of gay friends. A lot. I even have a lot of gay ex-boyfriends. My high school boyfriend, my college boyfriend and the guy after that all turned out to be gay (well the guy after that’s conservative voters don’t know, but the rest of us do). When I write my autobiography it will be called, “Jen, I’m Gay.” Subtitle: “The life and times of the world’s biggest fag hag.”  It used to really upset me, especially the boyfriend part. What was wrong with me that I was such a gay magnet? It was like I had the kiss of queer. My gay friends used to make me go stand next to hot straight men to see if I would change them purely by proximity.  Then as I got older, I came to realize that the things that all gay men have in common – they like all things fashionable, fun and fabulous – must mean that I must just be extra awesome.

Always Outnumbered

I don’t doubt that spending so much time with gay men is not good for my dating life. My very concerned mother figure at work used to tell me, “Darling, you’re shopping for milk at the hardware store.” Which was true, gay and straight men do not tend to travel in the same circles. They eat at different restaurants, go to different bars and go to the gym for very different reasons. And I have a much higher standard for hygiene and style for straight men than I probably should.   

So with this in mind, I made a decision a few years ago not to take on any new gays. When I meet new ones who start to become attached, I simply have to tell them that I currently do not have any openings but if they would like to submit an application, someone would be in touch should I have an opening.  I have had to grandfather in a few who I’ve known for a very long time and then they came out after I made the rule. Who expects guys to still be coming out in their 40s? I mean it’s sucking a dick, not Proust, how long does it take to figure out?

Accessory Approval

I am always trying to come up with ideas as to what to do with my growing gay surplus. One of my oldest gay friends (chapter 2 in my autobiography) thought it would be a good idea to start my own fag/hag online match service.  I didn’t get it. Why would anyone need something like that just to find themselves a fag to hag with? His response was, “Jen you can’t understand – it’s like a Saudi not understanding why people need oil.” So if any of you ladies out there are in the market for a sassy gay friend who will dress you, cook for you and force you to wear uncomfortable shoes –  or any gays out there are looking for a girl that you can dress up and take to family gatherings in Arkansas, let me know. I am doing market research. – Jen


7 responses to “Shopping for Milk at the Hardware Store

  1. Now that I have wiped all the coffee off my computer, I have to say this is by far is one of the funniest yet, hit the nail on the head things I have read in quite some time. Hurray for you, the Market research will pay off I’m certain and your services will be up and running before you know it! Please keep in mind there needs to be an off shoot for lesbians, that spend all of their time with gay men and wonder why they too are single.

  2. Does this mean I got in just before the deadline?

  3. Excellent Jen. I am flattered to be “Chapter two” especially knowing how many closet doors have flown open in your face. That biography might be as long as “War and Peace”… but much, much funnier!!

  4. THis is BRILLIANT! I cant decide what is my favorite part – i love every word.

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